She spirals
With sadness and nostalgia
Through past words
And wounds still unhealed,
Forgotten but still seeping,
Uncovered one by one
In sleepless nights
And song lyrics
Returning to becoming
©Ashley Castle Barnes
Despite all my years of healing work with myself and others, I’m still surprised at times when a healing spiral comes seemingly out of nowhere, from seemingly innocuous experiences.
I’ve been taking my youngest daughter on college visits over the last month and it’s surfaced a wonderful nostalgia – and also deep sadness.
Some of my best friends to this day I literally met on the first day of college, or soon thereafter. Twenty-five+ years of friendship through all kinds of highs and lows.
I’m so excited for my daughter that she’s going to embark soon on her own adventure of connections and experiences that last a lifetime.
Even so, college was not my happiest time. There was a lot going on behind the scenes for me, not the least of which was my parents’ divorce and my mom being diagnosed with cancer.
At a time when we were supposed to be finding ourselves as young adults, I was dealing with more adulting than I was ready for, and I really didn’t have the tools or the spoons to cope effectively. Or the awareness to know I needed support.
And that’s a recipe for embarrassing choices, hurtful behavior, and lots of messy emotional shit.
And yesterday, my nearly 20-year old daughter just moved into her first apartment, surfacing old feelings of loss, abandonment, and letting go.
It’s a lot at once, to be honest.
And thanks to the spiral, I’ve been here before.
I’ve healed these on another turn, and now I get a new pass at it from a different perspective.
I’d love it if healing was a one and done. But it just isn’t.
It’s a constant returning to our becoming, even when we least expect it.
Where are you on the spiral today?
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