What if her soul is shifting,
And what if if shifts so much
She doesn’t recognize herself?
And what if that is okay,
What if that is the way,
To destroy so she can rebuild,
To delight herself in the thrill?
©Ashley Castle Barnes
I, for one, am becoming acutely aware of how conditioned I am to find so many things unfavorable. Unpleasant. Downright miserable.
I’m not talking about really bad things, like death or destruction of property.
And I’ve mostly worked through not getting thrown off by things like bad hair days or a car that cuts me off in traffic.
No, I’m reflecting on patterns of behavior that I’m recognizing I have vitriol against but that I also feel somewhat powerless to change.
And so I feel resentful and upset instead.
Of course, now that I’ve acknowledged these, it feels logical to stop these patterns.
If it was that easy, I think I would’ve done it already!
Or would I?
So many patterns we seem to hold onto because even though they’re unpleasant they are recognizable.
And so many others are unconscious. We recognize the perceived negative outcomes but not the pattern itself.
And when we’re presented with the opportunity to shift that pattern, there can be resistance. Fear.
What if I’m not the same person anymore??
But isn’t that what we want?
For me, the fear isn’t that I’m going to be different, it’s that I’m going to be different in a way that is off-putting to others.
Or worse, I might come face to face with my own power and intimidate myself, as well as others.
Belonging is such a core need of humans that we can unconsciously talk ourselves into avoiding almost anything that might create a lack of belonging and instead experience it as pain.
But what if the destruction of the pattern is worth the cost?
What if there is pleasure to be found in the uncomfortability of change?